I am short tempered at an unpredictable moment. I usually oscillate between being placid and jovial in normal sense. Anger is something I hated and feared most when I was a kid. I encountered it in different forms from dad to teachers and used to cower in fear but some kind of foolishness always propelled me not to run away from it.
In my teen years while evolving my own philosophy I decided that anger is detrimental and useful to no one. I decided that I will never be dominated by this emotion what ever may come.
All these thoughts swirled around my psyche as long as I was in the protective shadow of my parents and one fine day I had to leave home and live far off. That’s when I started experiencing bouts of conflicts. Being alone and independent requires a perception in different dimension. My mild and meek nature often misinterpreted in to weakness and I tried breaking my own fence of placidity I created.
It’s tough in a real world. I realized that every emotion has its own significance. One must only comprehend the right proportion at right time. It sounds iconoclastic with respect to the teachings and morals I have been subjected to. I tasted the blood when I vehemently resisted a school bully with searing white anger and unabated hatred in my eyes.
The result is instantaneous and effective to the point of building my own impenetrable fortress of safety around me. That bully never bothered me again. But I suffered unparalleled confusion about what I saw with my own eyes and what I saw with my heart’s eye.
A good word with warmth and compassion always heals madness generated by anger. But extreme demands need to be countered with extreme measures. A few times I was even involved in fist fights that resulted in bleeding noses and bruised egos on either side.
Taking a step back and looking at a big picture often makes us lose focus on what’s right before us. I do not advocate anger if I were to chose it as a policy, but I vehemently support to use it as a tool when need arises. Anger needs to be built over a period of time with undeniable, irrefutable and irreversible event cascades if the opposite person wishes not to evaluate or realize his irresponsible actions.
And anger some times needs to erupt in explosive manner that acts pre-emptive. Some times I witness events that are too complicated to digest in normal sense. Like eve teasing, child abuse or insensitivity towards civic sense makes me boil instantly and do something foolish.
I try to pacify myself with a conviction that there are other people who feel the same way and perhaps they would take the situation under control. But it happens not always. Besides the apathy of people in general and entertainment they seek from the misery of someone suffers is too disgusting to witness.
I live in Mumbai and I love this city. People here are very nice and socially conscious. They try hard not to trudge on others toes. They are well mannered and helpful. They tolerate not injustice. They take initiative from helping a stranger to punishing a thief. They also realize the need to pass the matter over to right authority unlike the mob mentality at some other places. And sure there are some sociopaths even in this place.
Leaving the external side I wish to explain about my own dark side. My anger is always generated behind a profound pain. I prefer to stay stoic in general but somehow I could not handle condescension from the people I love. I warrant no such behaviour to attract such treatment in any deliberate manner. I also am the first one to apologize even when I realize that the fault lies not with me. And somehow if that humiliation gets repeated I think not twice to create a safe distance. That safe distance actually propels me far away from those who treat me insensitive.
I can see the utter meaninglessness in the above analogy at an objective level. But somehow I feel I could be stronger if I were to wipe my tears on my own and stay defiant. I feel safer when I am alone. I do miss those who chose to go away or made me go away from them.
My anger is a strange combination of fire and liquid. I can not just stay burning… I feed my anger with my own tears if I get hurt by those I love. And I spew destructive anger if it’s anyone else than those whom I love.
I try to avoid getting in to situations where I have to punish myself. But some times I distinctly sense the sadistic pleasure of retaliation that compensates the past moments of weakness.
I do not regret my anger if I am right. And I do not think twice to make amends if I realize that I made use of anger in irresponsible manner.
This is… what I am….
In my teen years while evolving my own philosophy I decided that anger is detrimental and useful to no one. I decided that I will never be dominated by this emotion what ever may come.
All these thoughts swirled around my psyche as long as I was in the protective shadow of my parents and one fine day I had to leave home and live far off. That’s when I started experiencing bouts of conflicts. Being alone and independent requires a perception in different dimension. My mild and meek nature often misinterpreted in to weakness and I tried breaking my own fence of placidity I created.
It’s tough in a real world. I realized that every emotion has its own significance. One must only comprehend the right proportion at right time. It sounds iconoclastic with respect to the teachings and morals I have been subjected to. I tasted the blood when I vehemently resisted a school bully with searing white anger and unabated hatred in my eyes.
The result is instantaneous and effective to the point of building my own impenetrable fortress of safety around me. That bully never bothered me again. But I suffered unparalleled confusion about what I saw with my own eyes and what I saw with my heart’s eye.
A good word with warmth and compassion always heals madness generated by anger. But extreme demands need to be countered with extreme measures. A few times I was even involved in fist fights that resulted in bleeding noses and bruised egos on either side.
Taking a step back and looking at a big picture often makes us lose focus on what’s right before us. I do not advocate anger if I were to chose it as a policy, but I vehemently support to use it as a tool when need arises. Anger needs to be built over a period of time with undeniable, irrefutable and irreversible event cascades if the opposite person wishes not to evaluate or realize his irresponsible actions.
And anger some times needs to erupt in explosive manner that acts pre-emptive. Some times I witness events that are too complicated to digest in normal sense. Like eve teasing, child abuse or insensitivity towards civic sense makes me boil instantly and do something foolish.
I try to pacify myself with a conviction that there are other people who feel the same way and perhaps they would take the situation under control. But it happens not always. Besides the apathy of people in general and entertainment they seek from the misery of someone suffers is too disgusting to witness.
I live in Mumbai and I love this city. People here are very nice and socially conscious. They try hard not to trudge on others toes. They are well mannered and helpful. They tolerate not injustice. They take initiative from helping a stranger to punishing a thief. They also realize the need to pass the matter over to right authority unlike the mob mentality at some other places. And sure there are some sociopaths even in this place.
Leaving the external side I wish to explain about my own dark side. My anger is always generated behind a profound pain. I prefer to stay stoic in general but somehow I could not handle condescension from the people I love. I warrant no such behaviour to attract such treatment in any deliberate manner. I also am the first one to apologize even when I realize that the fault lies not with me. And somehow if that humiliation gets repeated I think not twice to create a safe distance. That safe distance actually propels me far away from those who treat me insensitive.
I can see the utter meaninglessness in the above analogy at an objective level. But somehow I feel I could be stronger if I were to wipe my tears on my own and stay defiant. I feel safer when I am alone. I do miss those who chose to go away or made me go away from them.
My anger is a strange combination of fire and liquid. I can not just stay burning… I feed my anger with my own tears if I get hurt by those I love. And I spew destructive anger if it’s anyone else than those whom I love.
I try to avoid getting in to situations where I have to punish myself. But some times I distinctly sense the sadistic pleasure of retaliation that compensates the past moments of weakness.
I do not regret my anger if I am right. And I do not think twice to make amends if I realize that I made use of anger in irresponsible manner.
This is… what I am….
No comments:
Post a Comment