Selfish Loner

A few days ago I confronted something that I thought is… absurd with respect to the development in human psyche and sociological elevation.

The true acceptance of an individual who perfectly fits not the jogged mosaics of society… seem not to be there in reality. Somehow the educated elite still get tightly withdrawn in to their shells when it really comes to face the so called anomaly.

My single status that’s embraced first in confusion and later in conviction seems not to have gone well with the people whom I thought are my friends. And in a spontaneous mode I somehow alienated myself from highly intense social interaction that otherwise is a cumulative deposit people believe nowadays in consolidating their firm place in society.

To meet people, share problems, break bread and sometimes exploit everyone around in harmless way as much as one could… and sometimes exploiting with utter deliberation goes very well with everyone when they wish to mask the intent with layers of mass hypnosis called order, morality, religion and god.  

It’s really though being free in a society that preaches freedom but in the annals the truth is not really true. Misfits like atheists, sexual orientation variants and loners are scorned in silence even when they are decent, law abiding and just wish to live their own lives and trouble not anyone.

In a world that’s completely driven by success and achievement that’s based on the foundation of exhibition, silent acts of compassion and empathy are generally ignored but when the time comes proofs are demanded to justify our role in existing this world.

I am baffled as to how it is reasonable for anyone to stay in a pattern even when they wish to be reclusive and renounce gaudy pleasures of life. Do we have to become an advertised ascetic who tells the whole world that he has no desires per say… sitting in an air conditioned premise with glazy eyed devotees??? Or do we have to reduce ourselves to a nonentity from whom people wish to move away???

The decision to be happy without being decorated by the definitions of happiness coined by herd like people is like trying to take bath beside a lake without touching water. A very subtle but strong message radiates by every realistic philosophy always look towards those who walk away from it.

Married people are comfortable with married people and unmarried are comfortable with unmarried. Similarly every specific idea that germinates in human culture and gets nurtured to such a motivation wherein they try to be what they are always gets coagulated. Why can’t one be happy the way they wish and at the same time mingle freely with others who may not subscribe to that philosophy???

The word HUMANITY goes pale before what really is happening.

And I am not talking about open discrimination. I am talking about the signs of discomfort amongst our own friends who suddenly realize that there is a camouflaged caterpillar amid greenery around them. They suddenly take a serious interest and come up with dead end questions over which one has only one way to survive.

Admit and submit to them…

If it’s a spinster it’s an open discrimination… if it’s a bachelor its silent discrimination till the hatred explodes. We need to get married to prove the world that we are not gays and we need to produce children to prove the world that we are not impotent. Now makes me remember that, “Maternity is a matter of fact and paternity is the matter of opinion” on a sadistic note.

There are safe, non-intrusive methods to alleviate the so called biological urge with which the one can simply harness him unlike the misunderstood and misguided concept of only getting married to get screwed kind and be irreversibly suspicious of those who defy the general laws that coincide not at all with one’s heart.

Elements like impatience, mistrust and greed bred an alternate shadow personality in most of the people who believe they are leading structured lives. Their structure is again founded by similar misguided people. The conundrum of comprehension confused inside and solidified outside members of society who are in miserable majority… who pat their collective shoulders to declare war on simple souls like me… started amusing me…

I laugh out loud when I fight vehemently and lead their own direction in to an empty space. Actually fighting with me sometimes is proving counterproductive to my friends who are losing their own credibility and sense of self-worth amid their spouses.

When I emphasize the quandary about anyone’s worth in understanding love and appreciating the same in every succeeding breath they take, not in mushy words but in acts whose pride goes unnoticed… the edifice of love that’s built on respect, freedom and ability to withstand adversity and mood swings and bring back the wavering heart back to a guided path of light… believe me… I sometimes feel I am unworthy… 

And they don’t feel unworthy in the sense of self-styled maturity. They are blessed with society sanctioned Roped In relation that is shackled with law, religion and societal approval. Depending on who is strong at what moment they try to navigate drift and over power each other… it’s a collective belief of everyone around to judge everyone in case things go sour taking sides. Sadly people take sides of people but no one takes side of a relation that goes fermented with each and every word they utter in anger.

My bachelor… no entanglements styled life coupled with my disinterest in materialistic side of the world is breeding loads of misconceived notions about my net worth. My personal “Touch me not” attitude is even making these suspicions consolidated beyond the point of sane judgment. An unconfirmed but highly convinced image of me being a hardcore egoist who irreversible parsimony is getting crystallized in the hearts of those who are troubling their hearts unnecessarily. 

I am not selfish… I am just withdrawn and silent. I do things that I prefer not to notice, acknowledge and cross refer with standards that makes me acceptable to majority around. I don’t even look at the face of a beggar if I give them some food, for it embarrasses me in case she / he feel misery or humiliation. I walk sideways with someone who needs a push and when the push propels them to speed; I stop turn around and go away. I do not carry a baggage that gives an impression that I earned something.

If Mach disappeared without telling me why… it’s not necessary that I must replace her memories with another reality... what is more essential is… I must be happy and feel vindicated with her love still in my heart. I care not for those who question me without understanding or empathizing what I underwent.

But at the same time… I won’t let them go scot free…