Scream

I realized all of a sudden that scream is the most ignored aspect of energy that built in human physiology. It is completely misinterpreted in terms of the noise level it creates and the repulsive aura it radiates in conjunction to the social behavior and observed etiquette in society.

Screams are accepted only from little kids and that too with partial approval. The kids know not that they are relishing, releasing the bioenergy through their vocal chords and the elders realize not that it actually reorients the human body and psyche to an extent when you feel a specific emotion to an extreme level within the shortest time.

I fondly recall those childish days when I used to scream in anger, frustration and pain and in happiness too. However the first three roots always rewarded my energy release with a directed motivation to scream further in the form pain generated from kicks and blows. The irony here… is the demand to make me quite.

Intense happiness felt in an instance is another event where I used to scream and watched others scream which again is looked upon in condescension or sarcasm. I actually love to see and hear when someone screams in happiness. It actually radiates the emotion radially to reach everyone around who is within its reach to get affected with a minute smile at the minimum.

Likewise a scream in pain or fear or anger elicit a similar response… but of course in a negative vibe.

But I am not interested in discussing the positive and negative vibes of scream here. I want anyone who reads this blog to realize… what I realized and relish the pleasure of screaming when you do so next time. And by this I do not just mean a scream in happiness. I mean by this… become completely aware of your head, heart and soul coordinating with each other in tandem.

Perhaps it’s a little difficult to achieve this when you are totally diverted from your own awareness to see what I mean. After all if you are aware of your inner self at the time of crisis or an intense emotion… you are in control and you would not scream.

An irony again…

In my teens I suddenly discovered heavy metal. I could not understand the English they sing in heavy metal at that time (Even now sometimes it becomes difficult for me to decipher what they are screaming). But my efforts to blend in to their own screams compounded by thunderous rhythm guitars, and drums and instruments that are exclusively meant to be used in heavy metal. Even today I wonder if there shall be anything like practice to bring out a heavy metal number that sounds otherwise so cacophonous. Or may be everyone is guided by their own trance to let their soul guide their own screams through fingers and breaths that play those instruments.

My most favorite heavy metal group is Judas Priest…

I used to scream along with the lead vocalist Rob Halford… (I really love you Sir….) not knowing what I was screaming. And it was very hard for me to get involved in such adventures in such home where no one understands English (including me). So… in rare moments of privacy I used to relish this exclusive pleasure of screaming and happen to encounter weird looks from my neighbors when I used to step out of my spell and go in to street.

And one fine day my most admired and revered maternal uncle discovered… or rather caught me red handed while I was screaming along with the song “Red Blood Skies – Judas Priest”. He neither disrupted me nor reprimanded me but indicated to everyone else later that my mindset developing could be questionable in its moral integrity with passible traces of a psychopath in making. He also contemplated the possibility that I might be a closet drug addict. (Fun is at that time I was not aware of psychotropic substances).

I have no complaints against him after I came to know about heavy metal a little more and who actually get attracted to it. But even today I am not at all attracted to substance assisted relief that is a delusion even when one is deluded. I do relish an occasional indiscretion of having a few rounds of fire liquid seeping down my throat, warming my guts and loosening the strings of my brain but not tongue.

I realized that scream is a blessing in a few other occasions.

I happen to attend a road side cultural program a few years ago.  It’s a kind of rock show that’s majorly attended by youngsters in front rows. More sober one were a little behind and few thousand watts of amplifiers were booming the music though speakers. Somehow I was pushed and jostled by others towards the front row where people why screaming clapping and gyrating in uncontrollable passion. I just don’t know what took over me and before I realized what I was doing… I was screaming along with crowd. That night I lost my voice to excessive screaming. But I noticed that I became so relaxed and happy.

Then another most memorable event that happened was on 4^th January 2010. That day I was mortally wounded to the point of no recovery through words by someone I love most. Anguish is not new to me and I always braced myself up to meet the same in proportionate resistance to withstand whatever force is coming to destroy me.

But not that day…

I screamed in an emotion that’s even today a little ambiguous to classify between rage or pain or both. I screamed as I felt my lungs tried ripping my chest and my vocal chords tried slitting open my throat. I am not sure if I were lucky not to attract anybody’s attention as it was mid night and very coincidentally it was a rainy night with thunder storms. And the tiny place that I live in who’s roof generates million noise cycles with the rhythm of rain drops those that are equally enraged or… irreversibly sad.

I screamed as all pains that I endured and survived so far in my life rolled in to one gigantic wave and hit me back with savage vengeance. I was equally merciless towards myself the way I realized that someone I love finally decided to be merciless towards me for the reasons known only to her… and simply walked away. I screamed and screamed till I collapsed and….possibly drifted in to a state of sleep or unconscious stupor.

Next day I woke up and went back to earn my living… as I have to live.

Today I smile not much but always wait like a barren land looking up for a prospect of rain drops. I keep on waiting for an opportunity to scream… in pain… if please shall remain as elusive as it remained. I mean not that I became numb or dried. I became like a rose that realized that his tenderness is heading towards a wilting tomorrow.

I wait for those winds of screams that rip my petals off and make me fade way. I smile sometimes reminiscing the moments of love given and taken in an innocent mindset. I recall the most beautiful smiling countenance of the dew drop that fallen on me and filled in life that was ephemeral.

I pray for her screams in joy and happiness…

I shall mind not screaming in mute… missing her every moment…