Loitering physically in the world around and jumping back to his own personal reverie his mind went in conflicting process of contemplating choices. His innocent curiosity in those nascent days of emotional development with a questioning suspicion over his body’s erotic stimuli made him uncomfortable and shy. The moral education sought from parents in those prepubescent years always asked him to treat a male as brother or uncle and a female always a sister or aunt.
A distinct turbulence within the body that collide with pleasant thought of loving someone and being loved in return often made him wonder… what is more powerful. The momentary explosion in loins compounded by surging numbness that made himself go limp in ecstasy seem to be more attractive than the heartwarming smile from someone he adored secretly. Then guilt crept like unilateral blight that pushed him towards dark recessed recluse.
He had to choose his preference between what makes him smile in pleasure and what makes him die in pleasure. His vicarious exploration in engaging debauchery imagination with whoever looked enticing was a passing moment that shuddered his body and multiplied his sinful pleasures.
For the first time he started looking deep in to the mists of discipline that started fading away and an emerging idea that is hated outwards by everyone and fantasized inside. The carnal craving of feminine body has the power to make one go mad even without experiencing her in real five senses. It’s the most powerful and potent aphrodisiac that also made him wonder why some people go elsewhere… towards other vices like gambling, boozing, smoking and drugs. The teachings he listened without comprehending, the wisdom that’s pushed down his throat without showing him the other side of the same… appear meaningless suddenly.
Yet he could not muster courage enough to step in to the world that was different from what he is supposed to venture in to. He meekly decided rather he needed love more to curb lust. That was not a calculated idea on his part. What he saw around subtly indicated that emotional honesty and proximity could be expressed in permitted quantities between people who are socially and legally fit the norm that others follow and anticipate around. Intensity of that emotion explained in books and read in books is intently watched by his blooming heart.
He discovered a new pleasure. The pleasure of being scared of someone who looked at him in love… The ecstasy of listening to whispers and murmurs that told him things that he never heard before from anyone… but it is even scarier to fantasize love as it revolved only at one girl to whom he lost his heart. It was easier fanaticizing fornication with some luscious body and unknown face than thinking of his lover and controlling his vital signs race towards red line.
He was fortunate to lose his fears and get closer to her. It was not clear to him whether it was a weaker moment of indiscretion or a culmination of love expressed in physical engagement. But he died repeatedly in pleasure as he was engulfed in her naked arms and locking thighs. He wanted not to come back to the world he knew before but alas… he had to roll aside and look in to her eyes that were weak and lazy but competed fireflies in dark night. What came next was flooding warmth that’s saturated in love that took a new dimension that’s unknown to his reality and imagination.
He seems to have discovered that what he experienced is a stray sliver of monumental future ahead. The prospect of having her around in real and always deep in his heart made him reject random cravings that appear like Satan’s pleading coercions. He understood that lust is not a dirty thing that makes one demean themselves if chosen through love. He no more noticed anything that otherwise is even more beautiful and seducing. He politely smiled his rejection to obscure hints of non committal offers from other females who are attracted to his charm if not smitten in to loving him back.
He knew… his random life was pushed in to an orbit called love. He was so happy even when… just thought of her.
Then this blessing leads him towards another dark corner backwards. He was not aware that he was supposed to come out of the ocean called love… to rise his head up and breathe reality once in a while. To seek aid from ambition, to be empowered by ego, to go hunt down power and fame that makes him a hero before everyone around. He did not want to be a hero to everyone around. He thought he is already a hero winning her heart. He thought time spent on material success is insignificant before moments spent with her in his heart.
He was mistaken.
For…. She seem to have realized her mistake of loving someone… who just loved her and did nothing else that she started realizing… is essential. The need to suppress quality of honest love and elevate raw power that’s admired by masses became need of the hour. She also realized that he is entrapped in his passion irreversibly. She no more wanted… just love. She wanted love that has its own palace, power and precious things that could be boastfully exhibited to seek complacency.
She broke his heart…
Left for someone else who seem to have all those and is willing to trade a little love along with all other things that seem to have been there readymade. She did not think of teaching him mutual responsibility and accountability and realized that she needed everything so soon without sweating for. She wondered why one must go the hard way when easier way is right before her eyes…
She left him… as he gasped for his breath without being suffocated or asphyxiated. He could not sense his own impending emotional demise that was standing like a mean ghost right before him. He could not believe that he was dying while being alive. He tried to scream his lungs in explosive pain like a wild animal hurt. He begged on his knees looking at the empty space where she stood before him and opened her arms wide to embrace him….
She just left… just faded… just disappeared… She stopped calling… She stopped caring if he reeled back to life. She wiped her heart squeaky clean to draw a new portrait within…
He crawled back to life. Like a wounded solider in enemy territory. Bleeding and bruised he tried moving ahead to nearest shelter. Skeptic and weary he tried to reorient his senses. Took a deep breath and wondered what he must do. His heart yet adamant not to let go love… And his brain asked him to screw love…
He still gets hit by the bouts of resentment of being betrayed and nostalgic moments of love that keep his heart alive. His heart went mute and subdued… just pumping blood to keep his body alive.
His consensus beings supported by his frustration asked his will to look elsewhere. Where else he could look for love…where love was robbed off his heart??? So his own will take over his senses…
Looking around…. He started noticing vibrant colors… curvaceous shapes that topped with sweet looking faces. The sweetness either could remain innocent with an enticement beneath unaltered or get transformed to sensually sultry to compound the assets beneath. His heart refused to share mute privacy that harbored thoughts about the girl he loved. His brain gone over drive propelling his testosterone to go active…
Screw morals and screw love… he thought in wicked smile… whatever still struggling to be pure within is in minority. Why wait till heart takes over where he could get disposable love that offers quantifiable pleasure in limit??? Why get entangled in a mess that is not worthy of all blood and tears he shed willingly and silently???
Deep inside… he only hoped… that love could neither be created nor destroyed… it could only transform from one emotion to another…. Be it good… Or… be it bad…
A pervert is born…
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