It’s been more than a month I have been raving, ranting and vomiting my so called pain in my oral, written and physical expressions about me being hurt very badly.
Yesterday night I received a call from her at about 2300hrs. I was first jolted to realize that I was listening to the most endearing ringtone I set for her calls. I was even perplexed because it was almost ten long days of unilateral silence… and I was little drunk as I had so called good time with one of my friend. We were talking about so many things including her and I fondly remembered those days when we used to have a sweet argument about permitting to get drunk.
Day by day I could sense her resolve getting consolidated in reaching a phase where she won’t even remember me spontaneously. There were times when she used to scream and cry when I switch off my cell when I watch movies. But things are different now and she just tries not to reach me.
Why should I assume otherwise???
Perhaps it’s too hard to go through all this self inflicted pain that is getting layered and masked with so many other matters that are routine.
Most of my friends who try to share my anguish are really perturbed in finding a sane reason to make me see and regain my poise. And they now are not even hesitating to tell me that in a snappy manner that whatever happened in past is some kind of masked exploitation. They wish to end up this perhaps time wasting rambling to its conclusion.
I keep silent and agree not with them. It’s not that simple to say anything about anyone in which no other person however close is allowed. It’s an exclusive zone where we relished what we relished and we suffered what we suffered.
My drunken senses could not quite comprehend if I was hallucinating about the ring tone I set for her. When I realized that I was not hallucinating, I ran and picked the phone and cut her call. Then when I called back I could listen to her subdued voice with hesitance filled in.
Now days it’s becoming very difficult for both of us to communicate the way we used to.
I am so scared to say anything that might look like I am trying to elongate the conversation which she is no more receptive about. If I speak short and to the point may be I am enforcing her belief in a wrong way that I am losing interest in her. And I sometimes am having difficulty in telling the most important things that I need to share with her…totally going astray. And when she eventually hangs up the phone I go weak and disappointed as I realized that… I could not share things with her the way I used to do in bygone days.
Her voice was too low and… perhaps… she wanted to say something and prefers not to say anything. Perhaps she was bleeding within as she ruthlessly cut me off on her own. It shall not be a wound that gets healed though stops bleeding.
I wonder how badly she wanted to talk to me but could not talk to me because of her own decision. Perhaps she is finding it difficult to experience the kind of intimacy we shared and control she had in enforcing her opinion on me… to share with someone else. Perhaps deep inside she is missing me badly and wish to reach me and yet blocked by her own consensus.
And my own introspection sometimes makes me wonder if I exploited the loneliness of this girl in the name of love. Had she happen to get herself surrounded with convivial social environment in which she is deeply loved and highly respected, she would not have loitered anywhere outside her bounds even in the name of adventure or solace. When she was evolving unaided by her immediate vicinity with so much of apathy and sneer, she found me so receptive and made a decision to be with me and my love towards her.
I feel so sad…
So impotent and unable to make her talk to me… should she be suffering something. Should she need sharing… should she just need a kind of solace that’s just silence and nothing else. But I already made a very bad impression on her with my billion questions multiplied with million theories.
I wish to implore her and beg her again beneath my projected arrogance there lies a fear. Fear for her safety. I hate my own entanglements that make me not go active in shielding her from harm’s way. Deep down the core I prefer to treat a human… human. I am totally unaware of the peels in which he or she is encased. Whether they are capable to solve their own problems, if they are endowed with money and power, should they really need my active participation or not??? I do not consider contemplating these questions for those I love dearly.
I still am fighting vehemently with all my friends and well wishers. I am trying to tell them that my faith in her was never misplaced. I am making sure that my own will power not to go mercurial as depression is taking over.
But… I wish… I could still be there for her. It’s like standing before her home with her doors closed….
And deep inside her home… she is weeping silently…
With mute tears sliding down her cheeks…
I love you so much Mach…
Yesterday night I received a call from her at about 2300hrs. I was first jolted to realize that I was listening to the most endearing ringtone I set for her calls. I was even perplexed because it was almost ten long days of unilateral silence… and I was little drunk as I had so called good time with one of my friend. We were talking about so many things including her and I fondly remembered those days when we used to have a sweet argument about permitting to get drunk.
Day by day I could sense her resolve getting consolidated in reaching a phase where she won’t even remember me spontaneously. There were times when she used to scream and cry when I switch off my cell when I watch movies. But things are different now and she just tries not to reach me.
Why should I assume otherwise???
Perhaps it’s too hard to go through all this self inflicted pain that is getting layered and masked with so many other matters that are routine.
Most of my friends who try to share my anguish are really perturbed in finding a sane reason to make me see and regain my poise. And they now are not even hesitating to tell me that in a snappy manner that whatever happened in past is some kind of masked exploitation. They wish to end up this perhaps time wasting rambling to its conclusion.
I keep silent and agree not with them. It’s not that simple to say anything about anyone in which no other person however close is allowed. It’s an exclusive zone where we relished what we relished and we suffered what we suffered.
My drunken senses could not quite comprehend if I was hallucinating about the ring tone I set for her. When I realized that I was not hallucinating, I ran and picked the phone and cut her call. Then when I called back I could listen to her subdued voice with hesitance filled in.
Now days it’s becoming very difficult for both of us to communicate the way we used to.
I am so scared to say anything that might look like I am trying to elongate the conversation which she is no more receptive about. If I speak short and to the point may be I am enforcing her belief in a wrong way that I am losing interest in her. And I sometimes am having difficulty in telling the most important things that I need to share with her…totally going astray. And when she eventually hangs up the phone I go weak and disappointed as I realized that… I could not share things with her the way I used to do in bygone days.
Her voice was too low and… perhaps… she wanted to say something and prefers not to say anything. Perhaps she was bleeding within as she ruthlessly cut me off on her own. It shall not be a wound that gets healed though stops bleeding.
I wonder how badly she wanted to talk to me but could not talk to me because of her own decision. Perhaps she is finding it difficult to experience the kind of intimacy we shared and control she had in enforcing her opinion on me… to share with someone else. Perhaps deep inside she is missing me badly and wish to reach me and yet blocked by her own consensus.
And my own introspection sometimes makes me wonder if I exploited the loneliness of this girl in the name of love. Had she happen to get herself surrounded with convivial social environment in which she is deeply loved and highly respected, she would not have loitered anywhere outside her bounds even in the name of adventure or solace. When she was evolving unaided by her immediate vicinity with so much of apathy and sneer, she found me so receptive and made a decision to be with me and my love towards her.
I feel so sad…
So impotent and unable to make her talk to me… should she be suffering something. Should she need sharing… should she just need a kind of solace that’s just silence and nothing else. But I already made a very bad impression on her with my billion questions multiplied with million theories.
I wish to implore her and beg her again beneath my projected arrogance there lies a fear. Fear for her safety. I hate my own entanglements that make me not go active in shielding her from harm’s way. Deep down the core I prefer to treat a human… human. I am totally unaware of the peels in which he or she is encased. Whether they are capable to solve their own problems, if they are endowed with money and power, should they really need my active participation or not??? I do not consider contemplating these questions for those I love dearly.
I still am fighting vehemently with all my friends and well wishers. I am trying to tell them that my faith in her was never misplaced. I am making sure that my own will power not to go mercurial as depression is taking over.
But… I wish… I could still be there for her. It’s like standing before her home with her doors closed….
And deep inside her home… she is weeping silently…
With mute tears sliding down her cheeks…
I love you so much Mach…
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