Apology according to me is a very strong emotion that supersedes our own ego. Unlike a politician’s apology who already decides to act irresponsible to make his / her point and then go hide beneath a shameless apology and enforce the entire humanity to bow its head to the power of this expression… I wish to enumerate my own understanding towards APOLOGY.
I learnt about this expression when I was a kid though could not comprehend the gravity of its roots, reasons and repercussions. SORRY was a word we leant so easily and applied it in whimsical manner as required. Beat-up a fellow child or cheat in a game and when my own arrogance wore off and distinctly started the need of making amends I used to say SORRY to the other child. We were of course not that plagued with vanity where we used to arm-twist the vulnerable guy who is peripherally suffering the guilt. Sometimes our congeniality used to result in shared toffees and glossy marbles.
It is wonderful to be a child.
But then I also discovered that in my preteens and teens I started developing a fragile ego that started pulling me downwards whenever I sensed apathy or antipathy from the people whom I usually associated with. The despair was too much to handle at that age where I was perplexed about so many things and suffered the fallacy of idealistic environment. Part of this impotent arrogance was subscribed to the fact that if I could not fight the humiliation at home I need to fight it outside.
I lost a few good friends at that age only because I was adamant first and irrepressibly guilty later. May be it’s the same with those guys too… for they never tried to forgive me the way I did not. We were pushed away from each other on our own quintessentially idiotic will and even today… we seem to be blind enough to see what’s to be seen. But then those guys settled far off from me.
The most confident phase in my life was those early days I joined a job. I was deeply admired by most of my companions and people known, for ascending the critical stage of standing on my own feet. It literally wiped out all of those ghosts I was so obviously scared about. I did not realize my own stupidly about reaching another war zone in which people are gauged by their monetary productivity. I just thought that now I am independent and need not suppress my own sense of self worth and be proud about it.
It’s a process of harmonization where in I was guided to realize that achievements and success have their own domain that could not eclipse the purity of an emotion. And every heart seems to have a small area however minuscule it is… filled with purity. It’s the most vulnerable area that’s fiercely guarded by vices that are sugar coated with virtues. People try not to let anyone probe that deep unless they love them so dearly. Otherwise one guards their egos more aggressively than they guard their nonexistent innocence.
I started realizing the power of apology after I was subjected to millions of mortal wounds to my soul. Yet I shall not use this precious confession to those who deserve not. And those who deserve the same were kind enough to ignore my own arrogance and are always within reach.
I feel most humble when I offer my apologies to little kids. They do not know the gravity of my remorse as they look with wide eyes in fear and pain. One such an incidence I remember was I accidentally hit a four year old boy with my brief case while I was walking on pavement. I was talking on my cell phone and did not notice the tiny figure walking beside his mother and bravely fought his tears as pain seared through him. I fallen immediately on my knees and took his hands in mine and earnestly apologized looking deep in to his teary eyes. His mother was kind enough neither to intrude my predicament nor allow her son to learn a real life lesson. He just looked at me meekly and stepped behind his mother and smiled. I was forgiven
The next and most important phase realized is to keep heart clean before the girl I loved. It was a herculean task in the sense that she is adamant in her own pride as long as she could fight back. This fuelled my own ego towards a blazing fury and disgruntlement and I used to fight back. But the split second silence that followed after we banged the phone on each other’s face used to propel me towards unspeakable remorse. I was and I am so proud to call her first and apologize. Sometimes she used to stretch it to a sweet little further but usually end up in forgiving me. And the affection that followed there after used to boost my morale to a higher limit and also used to create a red flag within my psyche to never to restore that particular facet of arrogance.
Till I realized that the power to forgive someone cannot always culminate in to emotional merge. One can wrench herself despite she sculpted her lover to a best human being. It’s like carving a most beautiful statue only to abandon it to the wilderness of the world. The confidence and purity I built over a long period with her beside me suddenly faded in to oblivion and I am pushed back to skeptic uncertainty about lead me back to the fortress of my ego.
I am not sure where I am nudged towards. Either towards unabridged journey towards losing faith and stay arrogant in everything or an inevitable path towards despair and lose my identity. I wonder if I must regroup my senses back to gambling mode where I need to watch my step towards everyone and cover myself with a protective layer of insensitivity… Where I must think million times to offer my apologies not knowing if the opposite person is worthy enough to seek it…
Sometimes I feel like making a list of people I must humbly apologize. Most of them forgot the hurt I hurled towards them. That does not make me stay complacent today as I realized that whatever absolution I sought till this day turned out to be farce. Its time I need to tap the memory of those whom I hurt and ignored and to whom I owe an apology. I am not sure yet if I am capable of offering an unconditional apology. Deep within the murky depths of my selfishness I still am tainted with venom. Or perhaps… venom that saves me from the diabolic environment around me.
I learnt about this expression when I was a kid though could not comprehend the gravity of its roots, reasons and repercussions. SORRY was a word we leant so easily and applied it in whimsical manner as required. Beat-up a fellow child or cheat in a game and when my own arrogance wore off and distinctly started the need of making amends I used to say SORRY to the other child. We were of course not that plagued with vanity where we used to arm-twist the vulnerable guy who is peripherally suffering the guilt. Sometimes our congeniality used to result in shared toffees and glossy marbles.
It is wonderful to be a child.
But then I also discovered that in my preteens and teens I started developing a fragile ego that started pulling me downwards whenever I sensed apathy or antipathy from the people whom I usually associated with. The despair was too much to handle at that age where I was perplexed about so many things and suffered the fallacy of idealistic environment. Part of this impotent arrogance was subscribed to the fact that if I could not fight the humiliation at home I need to fight it outside.
I lost a few good friends at that age only because I was adamant first and irrepressibly guilty later. May be it’s the same with those guys too… for they never tried to forgive me the way I did not. We were pushed away from each other on our own quintessentially idiotic will and even today… we seem to be blind enough to see what’s to be seen. But then those guys settled far off from me.
The most confident phase in my life was those early days I joined a job. I was deeply admired by most of my companions and people known, for ascending the critical stage of standing on my own feet. It literally wiped out all of those ghosts I was so obviously scared about. I did not realize my own stupidly about reaching another war zone in which people are gauged by their monetary productivity. I just thought that now I am independent and need not suppress my own sense of self worth and be proud about it.
It’s a process of harmonization where in I was guided to realize that achievements and success have their own domain that could not eclipse the purity of an emotion. And every heart seems to have a small area however minuscule it is… filled with purity. It’s the most vulnerable area that’s fiercely guarded by vices that are sugar coated with virtues. People try not to let anyone probe that deep unless they love them so dearly. Otherwise one guards their egos more aggressively than they guard their nonexistent innocence.
I started realizing the power of apology after I was subjected to millions of mortal wounds to my soul. Yet I shall not use this precious confession to those who deserve not. And those who deserve the same were kind enough to ignore my own arrogance and are always within reach.
I feel most humble when I offer my apologies to little kids. They do not know the gravity of my remorse as they look with wide eyes in fear and pain. One such an incidence I remember was I accidentally hit a four year old boy with my brief case while I was walking on pavement. I was talking on my cell phone and did not notice the tiny figure walking beside his mother and bravely fought his tears as pain seared through him. I fallen immediately on my knees and took his hands in mine and earnestly apologized looking deep in to his teary eyes. His mother was kind enough neither to intrude my predicament nor allow her son to learn a real life lesson. He just looked at me meekly and stepped behind his mother and smiled. I was forgiven
The next and most important phase realized is to keep heart clean before the girl I loved. It was a herculean task in the sense that she is adamant in her own pride as long as she could fight back. This fuelled my own ego towards a blazing fury and disgruntlement and I used to fight back. But the split second silence that followed after we banged the phone on each other’s face used to propel me towards unspeakable remorse. I was and I am so proud to call her first and apologize. Sometimes she used to stretch it to a sweet little further but usually end up in forgiving me. And the affection that followed there after used to boost my morale to a higher limit and also used to create a red flag within my psyche to never to restore that particular facet of arrogance.
Till I realized that the power to forgive someone cannot always culminate in to emotional merge. One can wrench herself despite she sculpted her lover to a best human being. It’s like carving a most beautiful statue only to abandon it to the wilderness of the world. The confidence and purity I built over a long period with her beside me suddenly faded in to oblivion and I am pushed back to skeptic uncertainty about lead me back to the fortress of my ego.
I am not sure where I am nudged towards. Either towards unabridged journey towards losing faith and stay arrogant in everything or an inevitable path towards despair and lose my identity. I wonder if I must regroup my senses back to gambling mode where I need to watch my step towards everyone and cover myself with a protective layer of insensitivity… Where I must think million times to offer my apologies not knowing if the opposite person is worthy enough to seek it…
Sometimes I feel like making a list of people I must humbly apologize. Most of them forgot the hurt I hurled towards them. That does not make me stay complacent today as I realized that whatever absolution I sought till this day turned out to be farce. Its time I need to tap the memory of those whom I hurt and ignored and to whom I owe an apology. I am not sure yet if I am capable of offering an unconditional apology. Deep within the murky depths of my selfishness I still am tainted with venom. Or perhaps… venom that saves me from the diabolic environment around me.
More than anything… I wish to know… if I could offer an apology to me and… forgive myself…
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