I hope I will be able to express the vacuum that’s building in my heart from past 72 hours.
I also hope I shall not be biased in my observations qualifying only me to be the sole victim of circumstances. I hope I am still oriented enough to see what went by, what’s with me and what needs to happen. I hope I shall seek my strength from everything around and everyone who makes me feel that they are mine.
I am a little different or made to be little different because of my surroundings. Dominance inside home and apathy outside home made me chose silence and shame. Profoundly reserved I seem not to have evolved in right way at right time. It was a retarded growth in a sense and I could not quite move above the hurdles that come natural in way. When other guys were involved in doing things and making possible I only used to dream of those. The pent up emotions of love and being loved were partially fulfilled with fantasies. Since I could dare not in real life to be associated with a girl I waited for a miracle.
Internet was the miracle I found as time passed by though which I made so many friends. This is where I found her. I saw the softness in the guise of innocent interest. I sensed the mischief genuine that has no motive else than bringing up smiles from either sides. I watched as pain shared with weakness and strength oscillated in tandem. I discovered that I found the one that my heart was searching for all the while.
It was a perilous journey in many facets. We needed to check so many compatibilities within us as we should have. But never did we think about them as we were so happy just thinking about each other. We met and realized that we really exist for each other and our affection for each other is as we envisaged.
It was not just a bed of roses. We had had our own thorns buried deep inside that bled us as we bruised each other. Perhaps one was trying to sculpt the other to reach an ideal perfection that makes us more suitable, amicable and adoptable. We seem to have succeeded in that. The geographical distance between us never made us feel we were missing something. We were always a call away and longed to speak to each other within the next possible moment.
When we met (Which we did four times about five years ago) we were so engrossed with each other that we forgot that we were risking our safety at a place that’s fused with skepticism ego and arrogance. We had to leave each other eventually as the places we used to live are apart. But we lived with a hope that we would be together someday.
And those five years in which we could not meet made us go through changes that are enforced on us. My own self was always looking out for an opportunity to junk everything I had in my hand and go near her to make a new life. Her life guided her towards qualifying to a better and productive human being what real world demanded.
I seem to have noticed not the natural premonition that should have been discerned. Not that she went astray but she was made to see the other side of life in which harshness and objectivity are the benchmarks towards happiness. Her heart definitely should have rebelled to have her head bowed. I know my girl. She is not someone who would let something push me away from her soul so easily.
But she is a girl. She is subjected to equal and opposite lethal forces that rip her heart mercilessly and yet expect her to stay intact. Her needs are not her anymore. Her life is guided by strings of dreams and desires of her family and her immediate surroundings. She is slowly drawn in to a quagmire that’s so appealing externally and so draining internally.
She was taught to call this REALITY.
I was not blind to all this though. And deep inside my own egoism or perhaps helplessness made me believe that we could make so many things possible together. I was too near sighted to see just what’s before me and could not see what lies beneath. I should have realized that when I loved a princess I should at least be a warrior who risks his life. I just thought world is filled with nothing else than us. It was too ideal and perhaps too stupid.
But am I wrong to have faith??? I was so sure that we would build our own world brick by brick. I could have relied upon my resilience and persistence with her beside me. There were so many other practical matters that demanded immediate attention in which I too was carried away.
She was drifting and I was swimming towards her riding rapids. I could make it possible after five years to see her in person and… it was a disaster.
Whenever I think of it my eyes go misty. The wound shall remain raw bleeding and deeply gushed and shall never heal. The wisdom of LET GO is not at all working with me. It’s not my madness or obsession. It’s a plane truth that I saw her bloom moment by moment in my heart and filled it as time passed by.
She is amazingly beautiful. She used to see herself as a caterpillar in her yester years but she turned out to be a butterfly like beauty. She is so delicate in her demeanor and so melodiously soft in her voice. Ready to release and explosive laughter and let silent tears run unabridged. Her anger if were to be confronted is no less than a blast wave. But her sense of forgiveness makes one forget everything. Her curiosity is not really followed with the required quantum of patience. She simply chose to seek a simple YES or NO after a while that makes me smile. Her outlook sometimes makes me feel dwarfed before her. She is a born leader when she chose to be and yet so fragile if she senses that she made an error. She could make heads turn with her grace and poise and shall not get carried away by intended appreciation. Her silence is a knife cutting so mercilessly with its rough edges. Her loyalty is fierce to the point of destruction… and sometimes to the point of self destruction. Her ambitions could not be termed as calculated but with absolute conviction. Her family is so blessed to have her amid. Her friends are so worthy to be with her and claim so proudly that they know her. Her discretion over trust emplaced on her shall be well shielded. Her suspicion if germinated could make life miserable. Sometimes I wonder if she loves chicken dishes more than her family and me. Her taste in finest silks, fabrics and jewels make me cringe in fear. And her interest in compounding her already heart breaking beauty makes me flustered.
She needs to be treated with utmost respect that’s not sycophancy. Her love and loyalty must never be questioned even to make her irritated. And dare not trouble her when she is asleep or about to sleep… she will become a tigress provoked. Explain not the concept of utilitarianism and esteem. She would always go towards esteem. You need to get yourself mauled and bruised and dilapidated before she sees your point. Then onwards what you get is true compassion and you will definitely forget what you underwent. If she wishes to talk about some stupid movie let your senses not guide you towards boredom for she would make you never forget that movie again. She is not interested in politics and it’s a distinct possibility that she would suddenly invade you with multitude of questions about what why and why is why.
She has an artistic side that try recreating simple things with childish devotion. You need to pamper her in every conceivable way to make her believe in herself when she is so low for no viable reason. She needs loads of love and attention and also needs her own closet of privacy when she indicates.
If I take a step back from the cauldron of my own ego, I could see how deeply she is torn. Her wounds are not visible to anyone but herself. The real problem is she won’t even let me know clearly what she is undergoing. Perhaps she is scared of my own vulnerability when I get disturbed over it.
She could not talk to me for more than a few seconds. And this time she could not come to pick me on my arrival and drop me on my departure. She could have hidden oceans of tears behind her big eyes and made her heart stop… lest the beats be heard all over to see me in real. She just looked at me not really looking at me. Perhaps she wanted not to look at me for she may go weak on her resolve.
I felt so sad but humble and folded my palms in genuine reverence. To thank her honestly and truly… for all the tiny things she done to make me so happy for a few worthy moments of my life. Anyone who happens to witness would think that we were saying goodbye to each other.
But only our hearts know that we could not do that to each other. Whatever may come we shall always think of each other. Whatever happens I shall always be ready to leap forward… to be of any usefulness to her if she implies or insinuates.
I just could not see anything around since I left her on Tuesday by 1248hours on 22nd September 2009 at the back streets of Basweshwar Nagar. While walking in shock I received her call and could listen to mute whimper in her throat. I could take it no more and ran back to where she parked her car… to see if she was still there.
But she just drove away…
I promised to be loyal to her wellbeing, pray for her safety and to be instrumental for her happiness. I shall do everything within my ability to make the above come true. I even assured her that I will try not to meet her on any pretext if that keeps her safe and makes her not explain anything about me to anyone. She wanted all the evidence that’s with me to be destroyed but I do not have the heart to do that. I can never do that unless I see my own end come standing right before me.
I just cannot let her go. I can not quite understand if its faith or obsession. I believe it’s not obsession because I am yielding to every pressure that’s coming before me through her pessimism. I hope she will have gathered her courage in future, to be herself in giving me a place in her heart forever the way she would have given place in her heart to certain people who are close to her. I pray for the day she confidently steps before me with eyes gleaming in nostalgia and says hello. I shall never let go that opportunity to brim my eyes in tears that I save for her from now onwards. I may not be able to feel her through touch as she would certainly belong to someone by then. But with eyes that I could see and ears with I could hear… I still need to admit that I am so inadequately blessed… even after all these years of struggle to be happy and to claim that I belong to someone.
Previously I proclaimed to the people I know that I love her truly and dearly. And today I proclaim to the whole world that love her truly and dearly.
She is one and only… Maacheenaa
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