I often wondered about this wonderfully inevitable act in relation. Fighting with loved one is a refreshing experience in not only ventilating my ego but to cleanse my soul as well.
I have been a renegade idealist who some times allows not practicality or reality. And my own idealism some times pushes me towards evil intent that is tainted with my undetected ego. I suddenly feel that my good nature and devotion is taken for granted. I oscillate between pride and prejudice. Many times I feel an out right confrontation is better than sulking in silence. But I also watch my own lunacy creeping decisively in to my sense of justice.
I hurt my loved one when I get hurt. I am not sure if I must justify my actions in a similar way a cornered cat justifies its violence. It’s no reason for me to hurt my loved one. It’s a frequent observation on hind sight that I am arrogantly foolish to dispense their confidence in me in matters that are close to their heart. And I do it with a fallacy that if I am confident about sharing some information with my peers over which I must be proud, I prefer not to check them with my loved ones if they feel comfortable about that fact being propagated.
Ohh god… it’s a mess afterwards. They scream like a wounded tigers… or rather tigresses and rip me in to shreds not with their fury but with their disbelief that I could do this to them. I go numb within moments and try defending myself with words lame. Some times they passively accept the pain I inflicted on them as I beg them forgiveness. Some times their hyper reaction triggers my own diatribe in raking up events in which I was equally exploited.
I beg your pardon. I do not believe in shielding my ego with their mistakes and their regrets. But I feel so asphyxiated because I seek no outlet as stress mounts on me in directly equal proportions. I do get hurt profoundly… not because they are screaming at me but because I see my own moronic self as how could I do that to them.
Its not just they attack me but my own consensus attacks me in parallel. Its like my own head directed its hatred against me and my own heart… that’s my loved one… is tearing me apart with her pain.
I am still naive in so many perceptions that are socially related. I still feel that world is as beautiful as Garden of Eden what god created for Adam and Eve. I still think not of satanic snakes that exist in this world the way they existed during their times. Satanic thought and satanic influences pervade our heads, hearts and souls at every possible moment in which we need to enshrine faith and its strength.
It’s a pleasant observation that my angels never held any grudges over my irresponsibility afterwards. But I suffer the traces of my own bleeding and not dead yet ego. Then I shrug and smile at myself. They too smile at me and tell me that I am incorrigible.
In the moments of repentance I always remember all bruises I inflicted on my loved ones. I believe not in haven and hell after death. I would rather die peaceful knowing that my heavenly moments are those that I spent with my loved one with light hearted laughter and love filled conversation… and hellish when I make them cry.
And my ego wears off too soon. I am not shamed to fall on my knees and beg for forgiveness. For I know I made not a condonable error and they always realign their disturbed emotion back to order and forgive me.
Another greatest thing is that they love me even more after they forgive me.
Silence prevails a few minutes. Then a mute word and a sweet smile. Afterwards a serene and short conversation. The eyes lowered and apologies mutual. Then apparent accusations of self for being so insensitive. Then wipe pain and tears. Then love squandering unabated…
Ohh its wonderful to be forgiven and loved… but I need to fight fist… to be blessed with this pleasure….
I have been a renegade idealist who some times allows not practicality or reality. And my own idealism some times pushes me towards evil intent that is tainted with my undetected ego. I suddenly feel that my good nature and devotion is taken for granted. I oscillate between pride and prejudice. Many times I feel an out right confrontation is better than sulking in silence. But I also watch my own lunacy creeping decisively in to my sense of justice.
I hurt my loved one when I get hurt. I am not sure if I must justify my actions in a similar way a cornered cat justifies its violence. It’s no reason for me to hurt my loved one. It’s a frequent observation on hind sight that I am arrogantly foolish to dispense their confidence in me in matters that are close to their heart. And I do it with a fallacy that if I am confident about sharing some information with my peers over which I must be proud, I prefer not to check them with my loved ones if they feel comfortable about that fact being propagated.
Ohh god… it’s a mess afterwards. They scream like a wounded tigers… or rather tigresses and rip me in to shreds not with their fury but with their disbelief that I could do this to them. I go numb within moments and try defending myself with words lame. Some times they passively accept the pain I inflicted on them as I beg them forgiveness. Some times their hyper reaction triggers my own diatribe in raking up events in which I was equally exploited.
I beg your pardon. I do not believe in shielding my ego with their mistakes and their regrets. But I feel so asphyxiated because I seek no outlet as stress mounts on me in directly equal proportions. I do get hurt profoundly… not because they are screaming at me but because I see my own moronic self as how could I do that to them.
Its not just they attack me but my own consensus attacks me in parallel. Its like my own head directed its hatred against me and my own heart… that’s my loved one… is tearing me apart with her pain.
I am still naive in so many perceptions that are socially related. I still feel that world is as beautiful as Garden of Eden what god created for Adam and Eve. I still think not of satanic snakes that exist in this world the way they existed during their times. Satanic thought and satanic influences pervade our heads, hearts and souls at every possible moment in which we need to enshrine faith and its strength.
It’s a pleasant observation that my angels never held any grudges over my irresponsibility afterwards. But I suffer the traces of my own bleeding and not dead yet ego. Then I shrug and smile at myself. They too smile at me and tell me that I am incorrigible.
In the moments of repentance I always remember all bruises I inflicted on my loved ones. I believe not in haven and hell after death. I would rather die peaceful knowing that my heavenly moments are those that I spent with my loved one with light hearted laughter and love filled conversation… and hellish when I make them cry.
And my ego wears off too soon. I am not shamed to fall on my knees and beg for forgiveness. For I know I made not a condonable error and they always realign their disturbed emotion back to order and forgive me.
Another greatest thing is that they love me even more after they forgive me.
Silence prevails a few minutes. Then a mute word and a sweet smile. Afterwards a serene and short conversation. The eyes lowered and apologies mutual. Then apparent accusations of self for being so insensitive. Then wipe pain and tears. Then love squandering unabated…
Ohh its wonderful to be forgiven and loved… but I need to fight fist… to be blessed with this pleasure….
No comments:
Post a Comment